Best of 2015, Part 2: The Funny Stuff

The other day, 1-2-3 Sports featured the best stories of 2015; todays’s post is all about the laughs. Here are the funniest stories and video clips that we came across in 2015.  We couldn’t think of a better way to kick off the post than this picture of Chris Christie playing softball.

In all seriousness, we love sharing these stories with you, our friends and family. If you love 1-2-3 Sports, or even like it sometimes, then we would so very, very much appreciate you spreading the word this weekend. While our readership is the best, it’s quite small. We’d like to change that, and we need your help in order to do so. Send the link to a friend and tell them it’s worth 10 minutes every week. – TOB & PAL

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Email: 123sportslist@gmail.com

Twitter: @123sportsdigest


Mascot Rampage

This is amusing. The guy pictured below, with the fantastic mullet, went to a minor league baseball game in North Carolina last weekend. 

mullet
He got so drunk that he passed out in a stairwell and awoke around midnight, long after the ballpark had been deserted. While leaving, he stumbled upon the team’s mascot’s costume. He put the costume on and met up with friends at a local bar – dancing the night away and, as he put it, “ragin’, dude.” Nice work, guy. Also, excellent headline, Creative Loafing Charlotte. -TOB
Source: Homer’s Night on the Town: If You Drank a Shot With the Knights’ Mascot on Sept. 20, You Were Basically Harboring a Fugitive”, Ryan Pitkin, Creative Loafing Charlotte (09/30/2015)

PAL: Since there is nothing I could possibly write to make this story any better than it is, please read this excerpt:

He said he was at Hooters, so I told him to stay there. I start walking down the hallway to leave and I look to my right and see the mascot dressing room. I thought, there’s no way this door is unlocked. I turned the handle and it opens right up and there’s the damned costume.

So, I suited right up, walked out the door and proceeded to Hooters. I walked right up into Hooters and my buddy didn’t even know it was me. I was ragin’ dude.

I left Hooters and there was a big line at Tilt next door. I just said, “Yo man, can I go in?” The guy said, “No,” and I was like, “Dude, You’re not gonna let Homer the f*&kin’ mascot into your bar right now?” Then he said I could go in. There was nobody on the dance floor. I come sliding in and start getting it. I was doing all the moves you always wanted to try but are too embarrassed to.


Manny Being Too Manly?

Pedro Martinez released an autobiography this week. He’s been making the media rounds, telling some stories; this one, about the 2004 Red Sox, is especially great. They called themselves “The Idiots” – and, really, it was hard to argue. But the team also was a lot of fun. Pedro writes that before playoff games the players would take a shot, suggested by a different player each game. When it was Manny’s turn, he suggested a shot of “Mama Juana” – gin, honey, wine, and medicine root. But Manny added his own twist – Viagra. Ellis Burks, who was on the team but not active, decided to give it a shot. As Pedro tells it:

“I say, ‘You know, this Mama Juana, if you drink it, you might get turned on.’ He said, ‘Oh, I’ll try it. I’ll try it. I’m not playing anyway.’ So he took it, it seemed like it worked. So everybody was coming up to him for a little shot.”

Watch Pedro tell it himself here.- TOB

Source: Manny Ramirez Gave Ellis Burks a Boner”, Barry Petchesky, Deadspin (05/06/2015)

PAL: Two things: (1) Pedro Martinez, a head-hunter loathed by many (and one of the best 10 pitchers in the history of the game), is going to age very gracefully and become MLB’s cool uncle who’s full of wisdom. His stock will only go up in retirement, and he’ll become baseball’s better version of Charles Barkley. (2) Baseball players are a bunch of grown-ass men acting like fifteen year-olds, and sometime that’s really funny. This is one of those times.


Kurt Busch’s Ex Is A WHAT (allegedly)?

Nascar is dumb, but this story is fun. Fun > Dumb. Kurt Busch makes left turns for a living, and allegedly got into a physical altercation with his girlfriend. They’re in court right now, and part of Busch’s defense is that he didn’t do it because Patricia Driscoll could kill him…because she’s an assassin. Here is a thorough back story on Driscoll that makes it at least appear that the Busch’s claim isn’t that out of left field. The accompanying profile video on Driscoll is hilarious, too. – PAL

Source: “Testimony: Kurt Busch Ex Terrible At Keeping Assassin Gig On The Downlow”Stef Schrader, Jalopnik (1/14/15)

TOB: This is great writing. When I read the headline I thought, “This is going to be the dumbest thing I read all week.” But…as Phil suggests… somehow it makes sense! She’s totally an assassin! I’m all in on this and I can’t wait for the resolution.


Rapper Baseball Card Puns = The Best Tumblr

There’s more where this came from at http://straightouttacooperstown.tumblr.com


Never Change, Marshawn

This one does not require much explanation: Marshawn Lynch was at his youth camp this week and a reporter saw he had chicken wings. Stored in his sock. When the reporter asked why, Marshawn said: “My auntie fried up some chicken and I had my hands full, and I don’t have no pockets on my shorts, so I just had to use what I had.” So resourceful. As I said: Never change, Marshawn. -TOB

Source: Why Marshawn Lynch Kept Chicken Wings in His Sock”, Jeff Bercovici, Maxim (07/16/2015)

PAL: Man, this would have been great as an “extra” in the Marshawn Lynch biopic (single tear). Hard not to love Lynch, but – come on – this is disgusting.


An All Too Familiar Scene

This is great. A’s pitcher Sean Doolittle dragged his girlfriend to the premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens last night, and the two of them chronicled the events in a series of amusing tweets. Here are my two favorites:

https://twitter.com/EireannDolan/status/677629950694981633/photo/1?ref_src=twsrctfw

Source: Sean Dolittle Dragged His Girlfriend to Star Wars“, Barry Petchesky, Deadspin (12/18/2015)


Funniest Videos

Not much for reading words? We got you covered. Here are the funniest videos of 2015. We’ve watched these videos over and over, and they in no way get old or unfunny.
Shake that off, cake eater

I will never get tired of that smirk followed by that bomb. -TOB


Greatest Post-Fight In-Ring Interview Ever

I almost made this the Video of the Week, but it really deserves so, so much more. When I saw this I texted it to Phil and said: “This is why we started 1-2-3 Sports!” It’s quite possibly my favorite sports video of all-time. Quick background: British boxer Tyson Fury beat long-time Heavyweight champ Wladimir Klitschko last Saturday. It was a HUGE upset. Klitschko had been the champ for 10 years. In the ring after the fight, Tyson Fury (that name is pretty fantastic) took the mic and…just watch:

Tears in my eyes, man. -TOB

PAL: I cannot recommend clicking on this link enough. So absurd and hilarious.


I Just Want To Be Friends With The Currys

Yes, that is Steph Curry, on a pony, set to Ginuwine. 


He’s The Bro-iest Bro We Know

May-may!


Life Moves Pretty Fast

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfL4G_8Uy9g

I could watch this over and over and over and laugh every time. And I have. -TOB


Warning: Explicit Language & Dumb L.A. Guy


Funny Song of the Year, Part 2: John Prine – “In Spite of Ourselves”

Check out all our weekly picks here. It’s a good playlist.


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“Life gets in the way. And, you know, the songs weren’t that good.”
-Darland Miller
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Week of December 6, 2015


It’s Time to Talk About the Warriors

I have been hesitant to write about the Warriors until, you know, they actually lose a game. But it’s time. What the Warriors are doing right now, 23-0 at the time of publication, is likely the most incredible thing I’ve seen in my life as a sports fan. Most of those 23 games haven’t even been particularly close. There are not enough superlatives for this. The Dubs have the whole league feeling like Kemba Walker does here:

 Unfortunately, in the closing seconds of a win over the Pacers on Tuesday, Klay Thompson sprained his ankle. I hope it isn’t too bad, because they will need him in order to do something historical. How historical? Before their 23rd win on Tuesday, FiveThirtyEight’s projection system has them with a 44% chance of setting the all-time NBA record with 73 wins a season, surpassing the 72 wins recorded by the 1995-96 Bulls (and a 25% chance of winning an insane 75 games). In this brief article, Kyle Wagner breaks down the various projection systems’ predictions for the Warriors’ final record.

Source: It’s Time to Take the Warriors’ Chances of Going 73-9 Seriously”, Kyle Wagner, FiveThirtyEight.com (12/08/2015)

PAL: The Warriors are absurd, and oh-so-fun to watch. Solid article, but I liked the other FiveThirtyEight article, which focused on trying to contextualize Steph Curry’s shooting. How about this nugget: “Curry shoots threes about as well with a defender 2 to 4 feet away (classified as “tight” by NBA.com) as an average NBA shooter does with the nearest defender 12 feet away.”


Scott Weiland’s Letter to Charlie Weis. Wait, What?

Back in 2005, in the first year of his original deal and after very little success, Notre Dame handed head football coach Charlie Weis a massive, 10-year contract extension. They quickly lived to regret that, and ended up having to pay him a buyout of $19 million. Notre Dame made their final annual payment on that contract this month. In other news, Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland died last week at the age of 48. Weiland had struggled for years with drugs and alcohol. These two stories are seemingly unrelated. So why do I bring them up together? As it turns out, Weiland was a huge Notre Dame football fan. He grew up in the midwest and his father went to Notre Dame. Weiland was such a big Notre Dame fan that in 2007 when Weis was rumored to be considering taking the New York Giants head coaching job, Weiland wrote Weis a fervent open letter, literally begging Weis not to leave Notre Dame. A sampling:

But LEAVING NOTRE DAME, your Alma Mater, without having achieved really anything of monolithic proportions like you’ve promised us is absurd and unfair. So at this point, I will get on my knees and beg. Don’t do it Coach. Don’t do it! Stay and do what you promised; your team, your school, the fans, the legacy deserves to be taken to the Promised Land.

The whole letter is pretty amusing, as Weiland writes like a 12-year old throughout. What a weird story. -TOB

Source: Dead STP Frontman Scott Weiland’s Impassioned Letter Begging Charlie Weis to Stay at Notre Dame”, Troy Machir, Sporting News (12/04/2015)

PAL: I never would’ve guessed this. It’s strange to read the words of a rock star that come off like such a dorky Notre Dame guy – impassioned and hyperbolic with the blinders firmly affixed. Also, Jimmy Clausen was a thing.


Vicarious Abuse

In Minnesota, the “Hockey dad” is a thing, as I’m certain it’s “Football dad,” in Texas, “Tennis dad” in some faux “academy” in Florida and so forth, especially in places where a sport and location are nearly one and the same. Watching a parent lose control at youth sports game is surreal and disturbing. The lack of awareness needed in order to, say, threaten violence on an umpire, referee, or – worst of all – your kid  in a public setting at a meaningless sporting event is unsettling.

Untitled 2

O’Sullivan’s dad was beating him by the time this picture was taken.

Patrick O’Sullivan’s story of enduring years of physical abuse is horrible, yet familiar. We’ve heard this story before. However, his perspective on it is refreshing and needed, especially  in an era when younger and younger kids are specializing in a sports at the insistence of coaches and parents. O’Sullivan’s take on the single-mindedness of it hits home, especially for a dude that grew up in a hockey-crazed community:

“Once you get to the pro level and you witness how fast the game moves, you finally realize that no amount of running or weight lifting or private lessons is going to change one simple question: Do you understand hockey? Do you really understand the game? Do you know where that puck is going next?”

O’Sullivan’s dad is a pathetic failure. – PAL

Source: Black & Blue”, Patrick O’Sullivan”, The Players’ Tribune (12/09/2015), ℅ 1-2-3 reader Pat O’Brien

TOB: This was a really disturbing, but also necessary, read. It helps that O’Sullivan is a little removed from the game – he is 30 years old, but has been retired since 2012. This perspective allows O’Sullivan to note two important truths about his horrible story: (1) the worst part of it all is that O’Sullivan’s NHL success undoubtedly makes his awful father believe he did the right thing; that O’Sullivan owes his success to his dad beating the hell out of him, day after day, for over a decade; and (2) that there were people, grown adults, who saw O’Sullivan’s father abusing him after games and did absolutely nothing. O’Sullivan’s story could have been a woe is me memoir – but instead he makes an important point: parents abuse their children, and it is not acceptable. But the least acceptable thing is for other adults to witness the abuse, look the other way, and do nothing. As O’Sullivan closes his story:

“I’m writing it for the people in the parking lot. Yes, if you say something, you may ruin the relationship you have with that person. You may get embarrassed in front of the other hockey parents. You may have to go through the awkwardness of filing a police report.

I can understand why a lot of people worry, “But what if I’m wrong?”

If you are wrong, that’s the absolute best case scenario. The alternative is that child is a prisoner in his own home. What you’re seeing in the parking lot or outside the locker room — whether it’s a kid getting grabbed and screamed at, or shoved up against a car — could just be the tip of the iceberg.

It’s so ironic, because the hockey community loves to talk about toughness and courage. In that world, courage is supposed to mean standing in front of a slap shot without flinching, or taking your lumps in a fight.

But that’s easy. That’s not real courage. Anybody can do that. I guarantee you there’s hundreds of kids across North America who will get dressed for hockey this weekend with their stomach turning, thinking the same thing I did as a kid: “I better play really good there, or tonight is going to be really bad.” It just takes one person to act on their instinct and stand up for that child. That’s real courage. The kind we don’t always glorify in the hockey world.”


Video of the Week:

Wait for it…

Baseball players are so lovably dumb.


Tweet of the Week

-Former teammate of Marshawn’s at Cal, who went on to play quite a few years in the NFL.


PAL Song of the Week: A Tribe Called Quest – “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo

Check out the playlist here. Consider it your holiday bonus.


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Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

– Clark Griswold

 

Week of November 9, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-11-12 at 10.04.40 PM

Known as a dunker early in his career, Steph Curry has added a reliable outside shot to his game this year. 


 “I’ve never really given it my best” – Michael Phelps

He’s the most decorated Olympic athlete ever. A GOAT in every respect, and, for a good amount of time, he was also a young man adrift, unhappy, and – though no one close to him will out and say it – flirting with addiction issues. Following a stint in rehab, Michael Phelps seems happy, focused, and serious about training for the first time since the Beijing Olympics in 2008. If his recent race times are any indication, Phelps’ best might be yet to come in what will be his fourth Olympics. Referring to the upcoming Rio games, longtime swim coach (not Phelps’ coach) Eddie Reese says, “I think we’re going to see him go faster than he’s ever gone. Faster than [high-tech] suit times. He’s going to be very, very hard to beat.” I dug into this profile – it touches on a lot of factors at play (absent father, addiction, yes people vs. real friends, and riveting relationship between Phelps and his long-time coach, Bob Bowman). When it all comes down to it, I’m in – I want to see what Phelps’ best looks like. – PAL

Source: “After rehabilitation, the best of Michael Phelps may lie ahead”, Tim Layden, Sports Illustrated (11/10/15)


Phil Lang: Ahead of the Fashion Curve

Not too many years ago, it seemed weird to me to see a guy wearing shorts above the knees. But fashion has changed and now it’s weird to see a guy wearing shorts below the knees. Just the other day I was at a coffee shop and I saw a guy in his early 20’s and he had those monstrously baggy basketball shorts that were down to his mid-calf, and I could not stop wondering how he thought this was ok. To be fair, I always thought shorts that baggy were terrible. To be sure, baggy shorts were in from the early-90’s until just a couple years back. To his credit, 1-2-3’s own Phil Lang has been rocking thigh-highs for years. But even as men’s shorts have crept back northward, it hadn’t really hit the NBA. Until now: LeBron James, has begun wearing shorts several inches above his knee this season. To wit:

Nov 6, 2015; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) works against Philadelphia 76ers guard JaKarr Sampson (9) during the first quarter at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

He’s still wearing compression shorts underneath, but it did get me wondering: With LeBron wearing shorter shorts, could we eventually see an NBA player return to the butt-huggers of the 70’s and 80’s?

DRJ

And then I read this article about Russell Westbrook’s interest and influence in high fashion. We now have our suspect: If any current player has the fashion sense and the clout to rock the Thighlights like Dr. J did, it’s Russ. I predict he does it within the next two seasons. -TOB

Source: LeBron Reveals the Reason Behind His Shorter Shorts“, Zach Harper, CBS Sports (11/09/2015); NBA Star Russell Westbrook is Changing How Men’s Fashion Works“, Joshua Green, Bloomberg Business (11/03/2015)

PAL: Am I visionary? A fashion icon? An inspiration? It’s hard to say no to any of those questions I posed to myself. I’ll add that I’m grateful my contemporary, LeBron James, finally saw the light I was shining.


We, The Fans, Are Morons, Exhibit 845

Ohio State quarterback J.T. Barrett was busted for DUI a couple weeks ago. The response from fans: Frustration with law enforcement for not doing real work. I would contend keeping drunk drivers off the road qualifies as real work, but that’s just me. My favorite: “[U]nderage drinking and a blood-alcohol content threshold of 0.08 are artificial limits set by a cowardly Ohio General Assembly more interested in federal highway funds than what was right for Ohio.” – PAL

Source: These Letters To The Editor Of The Columbus Editor Defending J.T. Barrett Are Hilarious”, Patrick Redford, Deadspin (11/8/15)

TOB: We now have dash cam footage of the arrest. Do yourself a favor and watch it to the end. The best part comes when the cops, who have kindly decided not to take J.T. to jail and allow someone to pick him up, have a hearty laugh at the fact that the person on his way to pick J.T. up is none other than Cardale Jones. Cardale is the other Ohio State QB, and J.T. and Cardale have played a bit of musical chairs with the starting QB job over the last two seasons.


The NFL Wants SF to Take Down Overhead Muni Cables

I just can’t even. At this point, the NFL is just trolling me. Me, personally. Reports this week say that the NFL wants the city of San Francisco to remove all the overhead Muni cables on Market Street in order to accommodate “Super Bowl City” for Super Bowl 50, which ohbytheway, will be played 45 miles south at Levi’s Stadium, the home of the Santa Clara 49ers. And ohbytheway, this will cost millions of dollars to accomplish. Even if the NFL foots the bill (which there is no suggestion that they are offering to do), I want to punch Goodell in the face. This will inconvenience commuters for weeks. I don’t even want them in our city. Go to San Jose, which is a lot closer to Santa Clara. If you wanted to “host” a Super Bowl in San Francisco, then maybe you should have built the stadium in San Francisco. And if the citizens of San Francisco wouldn’t give you any money to do so, maybe the 49ers should have spent their own money to do it, just like the Giants did. -TOB

Source: Muni Wires May Come Down for Super Bowl“, Joe Fitzgerald RodriguezSan Francisco Examiner (11/12/2015)

PAL: There’s one point you’re missing, TOB: The NFL wants it. They want it! Gimme…gimme. Come on. Just…Seriously, come on. I want it. I want it. I waaaaaaaaaant iiiiiiiiit! God, this is so unfair. 


Thursday Night Football Unwatchable For TOB and Others Like Him

So there were some new jerseys on display in Thursday night’s football game. The Buffalo Bills wore all red; The Jets wore all green. “Who cares?” you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you who – colorblind folks like Tommy. Deadspin did a nice job putting together a video of what the game looked to those folks – it really does look like everyone’s wearing the same jersey.

image

I’ve seen :15 of the world from your perspective, TOB, and I don’t like it. – PAL.

Source: Stupid Nike Uniforms Wreaking Havoc On Colorblind NFL Fans”, Timothy Burke, Deadspin (11/12/15)

TOB: Actual post I made about these uniforms as a comment Thursday night on FB long before reading this story: “I’m colorblind. When it is zoomed in, I’m fine. But on the normal distant shot I have serious trouble telling them apart.” It sucks, man. I am hopeful that, one day, the plight of the Color Blind is taken seriously.


Video of the Week:


PAL Song of the Week: Goat – “Run To Your Mama

Check out the entire playlist. I like it, and you just might, too.


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“I’m not talking about dance lessons. I’m talking about putting a brick through the other guy’s windshield. I’m talking about taking it out and chopping it up.”

– Royal Tenenbaum

 

Week of August 3, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-08-06 at 10.39.58 PM

An Interview With Mike Krukow

An excellent radio interview with Giants broadcaster Mike Krukow, as he discusses dealing with his muscle disease, discusses the exciting debut of Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson, the return of Matt Cain, and more. Worth a listen. -TOB

Source: Krukow Opens Up to Radnich About Muscle Disease”, KNBR (08/04/2015)

PAL: One of the simple pleasures of living in this city is having Kruk and Kuip narrate the sport I so love. I just love these guys, and my heart goes out to Kruk, but he’s a gamer. He speaks so frankly (“It sucks, it does.”), and he remains upbeat and passionate – always passionate – about the Giants.


Italians Are Officially Insane

Look at this sport! Look at it! The game starts and the players just start fist-fighting. Brawling! It’s like a cross between MMA/Boxing, Rugby, and No-Holds Barred Pool Basketball. My brother Pat O’Brien sent me this video last weekend and I couldn’t believe it. Watch for a little bit. Bodies begin dropping and littering the playing field. I found the sport on Wikipedia. It is called, “Calcio Fiorentino.” The rules are stated as: “…the players try by any means necessary to get the ball into the opponent’s’ goal.” They aren’t kidding. -TOB

Source: Calcio Storico 2014”, Youtube

PAL: I think this might be the truest form of sport I’ve come across. That’s not necessarily a good thing, but it’s a sight to behold. Watch a few minutes from the beginning, middle, and end. You will be at once shocked, disgusted, and enthralled.


What Might Have Been: Jimi Hendrix – Sports Illustrator

Jimi Hendrix was not human. More specifically, none of us shared anything with Hendrix – at least that’s what I thought – but I guess the tabloids are right. “Stars – they’re just like us!” What the hell am I talking about? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has five Jimi Hendrix drawings from from when he was 15, all of them depict various teams from the Pac-12. Check them out, if for no other reason than to see proof that this legend was human at some point in his short life. – PAL

Source: Have you seen Jimi Hendrix’s college football drawings?”, David Lombardi, ESPN.com (8/5/15)

TOB: As a diehard Cal fan, I do love this. It popped up on the internet a few years ago, and every so often it makes the rounds. I like to pretend he really liked Cal, and the others were just out of pity. Reminds me of a video clip of a Tom Hanks interview where he says he’d rather win the Heisman as a Cal running back than an Oscar (Hanks grew up in the East Bay).


Don’t Make Fun of MJ. It Makes Us All Feel Old.

Teenagers really suck, don’t they? This little chump has the gall to go to Michael Jordan’s basketball camp and during the Q&A make fun of MJ’s shoes (which are dope, btw) with some meme that no one over the age of 17 knew. How you gonna play MJ like that, son? -TOB

Source: “Michael Jordan Victimized by Meme-Wielding Teen”, Tom Ley, Deadspin (08/04/2015)

PAL: A part of me kind of likes this kid – actually – I support this chump 100%. MJ’s fashion sense – including his shoes – is atrocious. This kid’s calling it like he sees it, and I see it the same way.

TOB: Here are the shoes MJ was wearing. Those are nice!

Simple! Clean! Undeserving of scorn!


Story Update: Junior Seau

After much excoriation, the NFL/Pro Football Hall of Fame have reversed course, as Junior Seau’s daughter will be allowed to speak at his induction this weekend. 1-2-3 Sports! pats itself on the back for the part it played in righting this wrong. -Staff

Source: Junior Seau’s Daughter to Speak at Hall of Fame Induction”, Steve Almasy, CNN (08/01/2015)

PAL: This speech is a great opportunity to honor her father and use the platform to speak her truth. I hope she speaks from her heart, and if that includes speaking about CTC, then so be it. If not, that’s absolutely fine, too, but make them take the microphone from her hands. For an entity as paralyzed by the fear of PR fallout as is the NFL, I doubt they are capable of doing anything in the moment.


Video of the Week: 

Rays rookie gets the silent treatment after his first career home run, but he does not let them stop him from celebrating.


Bonus Video of the Week: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=espn:13312264

This is a great 30 for 30 short on Eunice Kennedy Shriver, sister of John, Bobby, and Ted, mother of Maria, and her extraordinary efforts to improve lives through the Special Olympics. It might get a little dusty in the room.


PAL’s Song of the Week: The Tallest Man On Earth – “Sagres”

Check out the 1-2-3 Song of the Week playlist. Tommy’s wife really likes it, and you will, too.


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“Look, Buttermaker, you’re not my father and I’ll not move an inch to play baseball for you any more. So why don’t you get back into that sardine can of yours and go, go vacuum the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? I’ve got business to take care of. You’re blocking my customers with your car.”

– Amanda Whurlizter

Week of April 27, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 12.04.56 AM


Camden Yards Attendance: 0

In response to the riots in Baltimore this week, MLB made unfortunate history: On Wednesday, the Orioles and White Sox played the first ever major league game without a paying crowd. The game at Camden Yards was closed to the public so police and National Guard resources could be stationed elsewhere in the city. The decision was made in response to the riots that overtook Baltimore following the death of Freddie Gray. While the “ghost town” atmosphere created bizarre results – infielders openly heard talking to each other, the crack of the bat echoing around the stadium, and announcers calling the game as if it was The Masters – it was a stark reminder that sports do not only exist on highlight reels and big screen televisions. Ironically, a game played before an empty stadium served as a reminder that sports and the communities for which they play are inseparable. – PAL

Source: Even with Camden Yards closed to the public, fans found way to support O’s”, Eduardo Encina and Chris Kaltenbach, The Baltimore Sun (4/29/15)

TOB: At 1-2-3 we write about sports, and we generally avoid divisive political/social issues. But the situation in Baltimore, I cannot abide. However, there are writers who can say this more eloquently than I can, and so I leave you with this story from the Atlantic, by Ta-Nehisi Coates, wherein he writes:

When nonviolence is preached as an attempt to evade the repercussions of political brutality, it betrays itself. When nonviolence begins halfway through the war with the aggressor calling time out, it exposes itself as a ruse. When nonviolence is preached by the representatives of the state, while the state doles out heaps of violence to its citizens, it reveals itself to be a con. And none of this can mean that rioting or violence is “correct” or “wise,” any more than a forest fire can be “correct” or “wise.” Wisdom isn’t the point tonight. Disrespect is. In this case, disrespect for the hollow law and failed order that so regularly disrespects the community.


So, Lonestar, Now You See That Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb

On Saturday, the fight boxing fans have been waiting for will finally take place: Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao. Unfortunately, it’s about 4 years too late, as both fighters are no longer in the prime of their careers. Nonetheless, the years-long buildup and anticipation are expected to make this the highest-grossing pay-per-view fight in boxing history.

Floyd Mayweather is not a good person. He has done some terrible things. Boxing fans have largely overlooked that fact because Mayweather is the greatest fighter of his generation, and a very good entertainer. But the press is building this fight up as Good vs. Evil (Mayweather, a showman and a salesman, is not exactly discouraging that story, as he knows it will increase PPV sales and therefore his paycheck). But as with all such real-life storylines, it’s not that simple. Manny Pacquiao is no saint. Diana Moskovitz details some of their failings. As she sums it up:

What’s worse, beating up women or trying to make it harder for millions of them to get birth control? Do you mind less the absent politician or the abusive father? Which is easier to tolerate, a man who leveraged his fame and fortune for favors across the Philippines or a man who leveraged his fame and fortune for favors across the United States? Athletes are human; they exist on the same ethical continuum as the rest of us, stretching from saints to sinners with a long, murky middle where most reside. It should be enough to sell this fight that Mayweather and Pacquiao are the two best boxers of their generation. But don’t let the appeal to morality confuse you: that’s all they’re good for.

She’s right: this is entertainment (though I disagree with her other contention that who you root for says something about you). I will be rooting for Mayweather, because I think Mayweather is the better fighter and have thought so for years…and I like being right. Either way, I’ll be watching the fight. You’re welcome to come by, but don’t start crowing about Mayweather being a bad person. Pacquiao ain’t much better. -TOB

Source: Don’t Believe the Hype: Mayweather-Pacquiao is Not Good vs. Evil”, Diana Moskovitz, Deadspin (04/09/2015)

PAL: “But sports is never just about the act itself. It’s about the the storylines, the unknown, the unexpected, the sides we choose, and what those choices say about us. We do define ourselves by the team or the athlete we back. And in this case, we have no comfortable choices.” Moskovitz brings up a fresh and insightful argument, but I would only add this caveat: We are allowed – and take advantage of this allowance –  to selectively “define ourselves by the team or athlete we back.” We define ourselves with partialities when it comes to sports, because we have no negative relationship with beloved athletes or teams. It’s easy for me to sing the praises of Kirby Puckett because he gave me great personal moments. As horrible as it sounds, I have no personal connection to him allegedly threatening his wife with a knife or being charged with fifth degree sexual assault. But I can tell you that I jumped up from a video game rocking chair when he hit that home run in the ‘91 Series. Charlie Leibrandt leaves a circle change-up out over the plate. Chili Davis is in the on-deck circle, and my mom – a lady who would rather vacuum than watch a baseball game – is laughing, cheering, and crying at the same time. Joe Buck’s announcing the game and shouts, “We’ll see you tomorrow night!” I can hear Buck shout that line out as if he is on my radio as I write this. Puckett bookmarks some of the happiest moments of my life, and that’s unchanging. Like it or not – there are more than a few people out there who feel the same way about Mayweather and Pacquiao.


OH, HELL YEAH: A STORY ON HUMAN CANNONBALLS

Yeah, I went full capslock. That’s how excited I am to share this story. It doesn’t disappoint. How are the cannons made? No one knows. How far down the barrel is the human projectile? No one knows. How many people have died doing this? Not exactly sure. Why don’t we know the answers to any of these questions? Because the human cannonball is like a magic trick* in that no one who practices the art divulges any information on how it is done and it’s not like there’s a circus version of Baseball Reference out there to keep records such as fatalities for a stunt that’s been going on for hundreds of years. Also, good luck if your dream is to become a human cannonball. It’s a family affair, in large part to protect the aforementioned trade secrets. One overachiever from – where else? – Minnesota has found her way into a club that some estimate is less than 10 active members. Gemma “The Jet” Kirby gives writer Robbie Gonzalez a partial peek into the guarded world of the Human Cannonball. – PAL

Source: A Glimpse Inside The Secretive World Of Human Cannonballs”, Robbie Gonzalez, io9 (4/30/15)

TOB: Wow. This is fascinating on many levels. I recall the first time I saw a person shot out of a cannon. The details are incredibly vivid to me. I was at Disneyland, probably about 6 years old. We were headed toward Tom Sawyer’s Island (yes, I know the name has changed). A crowd was gathered and my parents told me that someone was about to be shot out of a cannon. What in the world!  We were quite close to the cannon – I remember him tucking inside. He was dressed a bit like Evel Knievel. There was incredible anticipation in the crowd. Then an explosion! And holy hell if the guy didn’t fly halfway to Tomorrowland! Looking back, he probably flew only to the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. But it was far! Far enough that I couldn’t see him land. My dad assured me he was ok. But in reading this article, and about how dangerous this job is, how could he have been so sure? Maybe the guy broke his neck? Thanks for letting me see a guy break his neck, Mom and Dad. Also: Drug dealers use cannons to shoot drugs across the border from Mexico??? This story has it all. Finally, am I imagining this story at Disneyland? Was it a dream? Mom and Dad, you are invited to chime in on this topic.


Math Is Good; ARod Was Better

This is really funny. Someone got a copy of Scott Boras’ actual projections for Alex Rodriguez when he was negotiating with the Rangers back in 2000. For Boras’ “projection system” he simply took Rodriguez’ previous 5 years and averaged them out until A-Rod was 40. Stupidly simplistic, right? Well, amazingly, Boras was pretty accurate, up through A-Rod’s age-34 season, which would have been the end of his original, 10-year, $252 million dollar contract. A-Rod was that good for that long. This is funny, the way the writer presents it is funny, and the way it makes me think that this is what Boras did to convince Sabean to give Zito that huge contract is not funny. -TOB

Source: Pebble Hunting”, Sam Miller, Baseball Prospectus (04/27/2015)

PAL: Great find, TOB (eat it, Rowe). In other words, Boras was negotiating a contract for an unprecedented player. Wasn’t that the larger point? Wasn’t his goal to convince teams to throw out all financial comps when it came to ARod’s contract, because there was no comparable player like him? Boras’ projections were simultaneously laughable, accurate in chunks, and a $uccess ($252MM).


Updates:

  • Last week we posted a great story about how a series of photographs from the Boston Marathon helped changed the course of female athletics. My sister, Angela Fehringer (mother of 4), burned up the 2015 race with a staggering time of 03:23:07. So impressive.

Video of the Week:

CANNONBALL! The aforementioned Gemma “The Jet” Kirby in action, GoPro-style.


PAL’s song of the week: I Ain’t Blue,” Bonnie Raitt. Yep, still have a crush on her. Also, SF’s Nicki Bluhm sounds a lot like Raitt, and that’s not at all a bad thing.

Follow the 1-2-3 Sports! Weekly Pick’s playlist


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“Illusions, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money.”

– GOB

Week of January 19, 2015

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Happy Birthday to the sometimes-editor of 1-2-3 Sports – my lovely, kind, and very competitive wife. Happy Birthday, Suze! -TOB


I’m In Love with the Polo

Possibly the greatest athlete in his sport’s long history is still dominating, at the age of 39, and I am almost certain that you have never heard of him. Adolfo Cambiasso plays polo. Not water polo. You know, the sport that is sort of like hockey, but on horses. Maybe you’ve seen Prince William play it. Well, you and I may not know Adolfo Cambiasso, but I think that’s ok with him. The guy is a multi-millionaire, and doesn’t even know it. He’s married to an Argentinean model. His kids are adorable. He does things in a polo match that people cannot believe, and he keeps winning, even at his age. Life is good for Adolfo Cambiasso. Friend of 1-2-3 Fernando Estrada submitted this story. We appreciate it, and welcome your suggestions, too. -TOB

Source: Argentina’s Polo Star Adolfo Cambiasso – the Greatest Sportsman You’ve Never Heard of?”, Harriet Alexander, The Daily Telegraph (12/08/14)


Storytime: NHL Dentists

A heartwarming, flowery piece about the athletes with the most messed up teeth, and the dentists who “fix” them. These dentists have seen some gnarly, gnarly stuff, and they share their best stories here. NHL players are very, very tough, and a bunch of oddballs to boot, which is why they are the coolest. Bonus: this article changed my mind about Jaromir Jagr. I always thought of him as a bit of a cake-eater. – PAL

Source: “Blood, Sweat, and Teeth: Wild Nights with an NHL Dentist”, Matt Crossman, Bleacher Report (1/20/15)

TOB: This article was equal parts cool and gross. As an aside, I only recently learned that “cake-eater” was not an inappropriate way to call someone a homosexual, but a very appropriate way to call someone wealthy/spoiled. Good to know!


Max Scherzer Helps Janet Yellen

Here’s an excellent story of how long-term sports contracts shed light on projected inflation rates. The Nationals signed Sherzer to a 14-year/$210 million contract. Because of the length of the contract, this essentially means Scherzer’s agent is in part betting on a low inflation rate increase, while The Nationals are betting on a higher inflation rate increase (it’s a little more complicated than that, but the article explains it really well). There’s an element of self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to inflation rate: “[W]hatever level of inflation that key actors in the economy expect to occur is then more likely to actually occur.” Max Scherzer will be very rich either way, but this accessible article looks at contracts from a fresh perspective. – PAL

Source: “The $210 Million Baseball Contract That Explains How Inflation Works”, Neil Irwin, The New York Times (1/21/15)

TOB: Since this article, and this equally excellent one by FanGraphs, was published, more details on the deal have emerged:

Scherzer gets a record $50 million signing bonus, of which $5 million is due this year and $15 million each in 2019, 2020 and 2021. The money is due in 12 equal semimonthly installments in those years from April through September.

He receives salaries of $10 million this year, $15 million in each of the next three seasons and $35 million in each of the final three years. That $105 million total due over the final three years will be deferred without interest and paid in $15 million installments each July 1 from 2022 through 2028.

I’d like to see the analysis done by NYT and FanGraphs to be re-run given this information. Nonetheless, pretty interesting. Another tidbit from that FanGraphs article is that, although the reported number of Scherzer’s total deal is $55M more than what the Cubs gave Jon Lester, in actual value the difference is only $10M. Yes, the Giants could have been in on Scherzer for just $10M more than they were offering Lester. Ugh.


Help Me, Help You

You may not know the name Leigh Steinberg, but you do know him. Steinberg was the first sports “superagent” and the inspiration for Jerry Maguire. Leigh was enormously successful and was more famous than many of his clients. But then in the early 2000’s, ego and alcoholism combined to lay waste to Steinberg’s empire, and his fortune. Now attempting to get back into the sports agent business, this is a fascinating read – it is not often that a profile is so openly skeptical of its subject, as the writer repeatedly questions whether Steinberg is engaging in the very same behaviors that once ruined him. -TOB

Source: Show Leigh Steinberg the Money (Again)”, James Vlahos, The New York Times (01/15/15)

PAL: Hold the goddamn phone. If Tom Cruise’s character was based off of Leigh Steinberg, then there should be a sequel in the works for Jerry Maguire. Let’s break this down. Cameron Crowe: needs a hit (We Bought a Zoo was a tremendous flop). Tom Cruise: wouldn’t hurt for him to reintroduce himself as a guy that sings to Tom Petty in the car. Bring glasses kid back, have him date Emma Stone – the intern with a shark mentality. Renee Zellweger can debut her new face, too, and Cuba is playing an effing horse farmer on Empire. Since when does Terrence Howard get the lead role over Cuba in a drama about a Hip Hop empire? This works on every level.


Swept Up In A Story: Robert Allenby 

Dear PGA Golfer Robert Allenby,

We’ve all been there, man. I mean, who among us hasn’t missed the cut at a PGA Tour event, drank away our sorrows at a wine bar in Honolulu, and ended up bloodied in a park 6 miles away from said wine bar (or 10 yards away from said wine bar)? We get it, buddy. We know the horror of patting down our pockets hoping our phone and wallet aren’t actually missing and instead in the cargo pocket of our shorts. And – yes – we’ve taken pictures of the scrapes and bruises to show the crew. The conclusion is the same for all of us: we must have been beaten, kidnapped, and in danger of being swept up by a street sweeper…Wait – what the hell? This story obviously isn’t meaningful on its own, but add it to the endlessly entertaining list of athletes hitting the panic button, making up a story to cover up a truth that’s either more embarrassing or incriminating, then backpedaling as facts or other accounts come to the fore. The latest witness claims Allenby was drunk at a strip club, which seems more logical, but not nearly enough to make up a kidnapping story in my opinion. There’s got to be more to this, and I’m eagerly awaiting its arrival. – PAL

Source: “Robert Allenby’s Kidnapping Story Challenged By Another Witness”, Kevin Draper, Deadspin (1/21/15)

TOB: What’s more bizarre? This story, or former Dolphins fullback Rob Konrad story about swimming 21 miles in the Atlantic Ocean to the safety of the shore after falling off his fishing boat? Crazy.


Update: Climbing the Dawn Wall

A couple weeks ago we brought you the story of the attempt by Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson to free-climb the Dawn Wall on El Capitan, Yosemite. We are happy to report that they both made it safely. This quick video is incredible to watch (thanks for sharing, Jamie Morganstern).


Video of the Week

Give yourself a pat on the back if you could understand every word on the first viewing.


Bonus Gif of the Week:

This kid rules.

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“I didn’t want to do this, but I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you. I’m with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.”

– Fletch

Week of January 12, 2015

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Chucky, wassup?


Yes, EVEN MORE on the Ray Rice/NFL Story. But This Is Important.

The Robert Mueller “independent” report on the NFL’s response to the Ray Rice “scandal” came out last week. This story is so tiresome. We are tired of reading about it. We are tired of writing about it, and in fact I think this is like the fifth time that 123 Sports has said something to the effect of, “We are tired of writing about this story, but…” And so it is with some reluctance that we bring you this story. HOWEVER. As Michael Rosenberg writes, “In fact, this whole report is supposed to be part of the lie, which is ongoing and will probably not end until you forget this incident, or simply get tired of it.” He’s right. This is important. The Mueller report is Grade-A b.s., intended to divert our attention away from the real issues. Goodell asked Mueller to answer the wrong questions, so that Goodell could get the answers he wanted. And he did. Please read this story. Goodell is a horrible human. -TOB

Source: Mueller Report Underscores Roger Goodell’s Deceit In Ray Rice Case”, Michael Rosenberg (01/08/15)

PAL: The argument for Goodell keeping his job as NFL Commissioner is, to my understanding, as follows: (1) he takes the bullets so the owners don’t have to, and (2) the NFL is  wiping its butt with cash under his leadership (TV deals, launching the NFL network, involvement in negotiating the current collective bargaining agreement). Someone needs to explain to me why another qualified executive wouldn’t be able to perform those tasks just as well as Goodell without the PR nightmare he’s bolted to following the handling of Ray Rice. Also, why aren’t people going after the owners on this? Goodell works for them, after all.

TOB: I want to add – Deadspin’s Drew Magary made an excellent argument for the NFL’s long term popularity problem in an article this week: Kids today care more about games/social interaction on their phones/tablets over watching four-hour sporting events.  And the problem for football, is that it, more than any other American sport , takes time and patience – there are a lot of rules you need to learn to understand the game, and that takes a lot of football watching to gain. Drew wonders if kids today will ever put in the time to understand football. I recommend you read it. Here.


How Does One Come Back From the Loss of Two Children? You Just Do.

This story is not an easy read. Most baseball fans will remember Hirschbeck as the ump who Roberto Alomar spit on back in 1996. What this story will tell you about is the unfair amount of tragedy Hirschbeck has had to deal with in his life. He had two sons diagnosed with a rare and deadly disease – ALD. In 1993, his oldest son died in his parents’ arms. He was 8 years old. His youngest son fought the odds and survived childhood – only to die last April from a seizure related to ALD. His parents were asleep in the house when he died. In between those tragic events, Hirschbeck twice fought off cancer. You might think someone who has survived such heartache would be bitter. But not Hirschbeck:

“Believe me,” Hirschbeck says, “if someone had told me when I was a young dad like you that this is what’s going to happen, I’d say, ‘Give me a gun! I’m out! I’m shooting myself right now!’ But when you’re faced with something, you just say, ‘Why not me? Why should it be anybody else? What makes me different?’ You have to realize that. Otherwise, you’re going to cry for yourself forever.”

We can all only hope to be that strong in the face of such pain. -TOB

Source: “John Hirschbeck’s Survival Guide”, Anthony Castrovince, Sports on Earth (01/13/15)

PAL: Hirschbeck is tough, and not in the b.s. stoic way. He’s crushed by these tragedies, but still moves forward with some aspects of his life. That’s toughness. This is one of those stories I read and really doubt whether I could take what Hirschbeck, his wife, and two daughters have gone through. Best of everything to the Hirschbecks.


Kurt Busch’s Ex Is A WHAT (allegedly)?

Nascar is dumb, but this story is fun. Fun > Dumb. Kurt Busch makes left turns for a living, and allegedly got into a physical altercation with his girlfriend. They’re in court right now, and part of Busch’s defense is that he didn’t do it because Patricia Driscoll could kill him…because she’s an assassin. Here is a thorough back story on Driscoll that makes it at least appear that the Busch’s claim isn’t that out of left field. The accompanying profile video on Driscoll is hilarious, too. – PAL

Source: “Testimony: Kurt Busch Ex Terrible At Keeping Assassin Gig On The Downlow”, Stef Schrader, Jalopnik (1/14/15)

TOB: This is great writing. When I read the headline I thought, “This is going to be the dumbest thing I read all week.” But…as Phil suggests… somehow it makes sense! She’s totally an assassin! I’m all in on this and I can’t wait for the resolution.


Locker Room Butts.

There’s nothing groundbreaking about this article. It’s a fairly short look at the history of cigarette smokers in the NBA. I’m a non-smoker. A never-smoker. I hate smoking. But this cracked me up, especially this quote from Celtic Hall of Famer Bob Cousy:

“I was a nonsmoker. I eventually smoked cigars for 20 years. One of the many bad habits I picked up from Arnold [“Red”] Auerbach. He and I used to go to Europe together, so I had to protect myself and start smoking those damn things myself. Otherwise I’d inhale his smoke. But I never smoked cigarettes. When we were kids we didn’t have money to buy anything. Damn cigarettes were too expensive. Other than drinking a lot of beer, which we picked up in college — that was the extent of our vices. We did like girls, I think. Although it being so long, I can’t rely on my memory for that either.”

*ba dum tsh!*. Also, big ups to my boy Vlade Divac, who stars in this article, and whose honor I once defended so hard that I “c-walked” through a window. True story. I got witnesses. -TOB

Source: Smoking in the Boys Room”, Amos Barshad, Grantland (01/14/15)


It’s Not Me; It’s You: Mark Jackson Calls A Warriors Game

Quick recap: Mark Jackson coached the Warriors to the team’s first back-to-back playoff appearances in 20 years. He was fired. Steve Kerr takes over as coach. The team is 31-5 and a legit contender. A week ago, Jackson called the nationally televised game between the Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. The scenario is fascinating. Guy who gets fired from a good team he helped turn around gets to call their game for a national audience. They now look like a great team under new coach, which forces the question of whether Jackson was a good coach who got a franchise over a hump, or if he underachieved with a great roster. Jackson handles the situation like a teenager and pretty much talks crap about his ex on TV. Class, class, class. – PAL

Source: “Mark Jackson Returned To Oracle Arena And Threw Shade: An Explainer”, Kevin Draper, Deadspin (1/14/15)

TOB: Ugh, Mark Jackson is such a tool. Also, I like Jeff Van Gundy a lot – but what a load of bull he was trying to sell. As Draper points out, Steve Kerr has taken almost exactly the same roster and has them at 31-5 – on pace for SEVENTY ONE wins. The NBA record is 72, set by the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Last year, under Mark Jackson, the Warriors won just 51, and were sixth in the Western Conference. So, no, Jeff, this isn’t about an improved roster. It’s about a coach who can spout more than empty platitudes and catchphrases, and who knows how to coach a team – both schematically and in terms of managing personalities.


Video of the Week

Click here.

1) Bill Walton trying to give his announcing partner, Bill Pasch, a copy of Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” as a present.

2) Pasch “outing” himself as a creationist.

3) Jay Bilas touting the greatness of Sactown’s own Cake.

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“One plus one is two, all day long, and it’s never gonna change. And that’s factorial.”

-Stephon Marbury